Unsent

Mike,

About the only thing that truly bothered me about your last text message was your snide parting shot. You said "Sorry you wasted the last four years." I'm disappointed in that. I thought you would've known me better than that. To be honest, that demonstrated to me that as much as you were saying "you don't understand," it is truly you who doesn't understand me. Someone who truly understood me would know that no matter how angry I am now, I would never in a million years consider the last four years a waste.

I have many good memories of the last four years. It is some of those memories that kept me patiently waiting for you to realize that if you wanted this relationship, you were going to have to find ways to make i work. Despite your choice to avoid any of the work placed before you, I will still cherish those memories. I will still cherish the almost-daily emails you sent me the first year or so we were together. I will still cherish the good talks we had, and the stuff we did together. I will still cherish and sleep with Darien, the first stuffed animal you ever gave me (I slept with him last night). These are all important things to me. Truth be told, one of the first things I will need to do over the next few weeks is find a way for these cherished memories and your choice to play the helpless martyr at the expense of my feelings. But in time, I will manage that.

More importantly, I will cherish what I have accoplished in the last four years. I have overcome many obstacles, found creative solutions for problems, healed old wounds, found more inner strength, and loved without reserve or apology. I have learned how to express love through means other than physical or sexual affection while still recognizing my right to need and desire these things. I have learned to better stand up and ask for what I need. I have learned important lessons about compromise, and I have learned when compromise is unacceptable. I have learned to look my fears in the eye and say, "I'm afraid of you, but you will not stop me." I have learned to make friends with my fears and learn what they have to teach me without allowing them to control my life. I learned to have a bit of trust and self-confidence so that when a few days started going by without hearing from you, I wouldn't assume it was over. I've learned to make myself vulnerable, even if that vulnerability might mean I will eventually get hurt. And I've learned that in the end, being hurt isn't the terrible thing I once thought it was. After all, in that hurt lies the golden truth that I only hurt because I allowed myself to love so freely.

All of these things, I've learned in the last four years while dating you. Every day was a challenge for me, both inside of myself and outside. And I can say with satisfaction that I rose to each challenge, responded with my own challenge, and eventually triumphed. I've grown as a person as a result of this relationship. I'm stronger, more confident of myself, more confident of my capacity to love, and just a generally different person than I was four years ago.

All of that came to me from our relationship. How could I ever consider that a "waste of time"?

Bits and bobs

I haven't put an update in here lately. I thought I'd go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We'll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards, including a few groups on MSP. I'm starting to discover that they're little more than "distractions" to me. I really don't get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don't have much to offer there, either. So it's time to "cut bait," so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won't be too far in the future.

I'm thinking over a couple of projects I'm considering working on. I don't want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it'd be good to indicate that I'm looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I'm not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.