Whining about the past

I'm in one of those states of minds where I want Mike back. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm in a state of mind where I want what I thought I had with Mike back. The thing is, I've been coming to realize the gaping discrepancies between what I thought I had with him and what I really had. And that's a bitter pill to swallow.

I thought we really had something. I thought we really meant a lot to each other. And I thought we had a strong bond, forged of commitment. And I'm now realizing just how untrue that was. To be honest, other than a few happy moments together here and there (and let's face it, a few of those times were truly good and I'll still cherish them), we really didn't have much at all.

I don't feel I was a boyfriend at all. I feel more like a "status symbol." I was there to make him feel good. I was there to let him know that no matter how rough his life got, at least he had someone he could call his. And that hurts. Because I'm more than that. I'm a human being, not something to be kept around so you can feel good about yourself.

The breakup started when I wrote him an email asking him to talk about our relationship and our future. He ignored it for two whole weeks. Sure, he acknowledged the message a couple days after I sent it. But he told me "he didn't know what to say" and then proceeded to ignore the subject until I prodded him.

When he finally did respond, he said very little about us. Other than to give me the same song and dance about how I "meant the world to him." But after that single line, it was all about him. He was happy with the way things were. He wasn't ready to take things any further. He hadn't had time to think about it because his job had been too hectic. (His hectic job seems a rather convenient distraction when he wants to avoid a topic.)

Where was "us" in all of this. Where was I in all of this. Apparently, "I" and "we" didn't factor into this at all. And while I can be (and am) angry about that. I have to admit I'm more hurt. I honestly thought I meant more than that.

And what bothers me, is that has me questioning my judgement. If I can be so easily fooled into believing that I mean more to someone than I really do, how will I ever manage? I thought I had been careful. I thought I knew him better than that. And in the end, I was wrong. And I guess that's hurting my pride a bit right now. Hell, it's hurting my pride a whole damn lot. Who am I kidding?